Clark and Lex
by princey
Summary: Clark tells lex the truth about his feelings and lex wants to vomit. some violence, slash. it's mostly just wildly amusing. if you read it you won't regret it, well you might. At one point a youg daredevil (matt murdock) shows up.
1. Clark tells the truth boringly

I would like to start this by saying that I really genuinely dislike this show and these characters, although micheal rosenbaum is kind of a fox and if I had to pick one character that' ok it would be lex b/c I hate superman (clark) and they're enemies. This is not supposed to be a romantic story and you shouldn't feel bad for clark because he's a huge loser. –k.

"Hmmm…" said clark, "I wonder where I left my pin-wheel cap. Oh! I see. It's under my strange santa costume…? That's weird, I don't remember being dressed as Santa. Mom! Dad!"

"Yes son", said his father, "You know your mother and I will always love you, right?"

"Of course Dad."

"Good. Now what did you want to know?"

"I was wondering where this Santa costume came from."

"Oh Clark", said his mother, who had just walked in, "I love you and that Santa costume is from when you were trying to impress Lana and you passed out, remember?"

"Oh…ah…yeah. Well, I'd better get to school."

"Run, Clark, run!" yelled his father for no appearant reason. 

* * *

When Clark got to school he saw Lex leaning against his car in the parking lot, looking very suave I might add. "Hi Lex!" exclaimed Clark. 

"Good afternoon Clark," replied Lex, suavely. "I noticed that you were going to school so I decided to follow you in my shiny car."

"Ok. There's something I have to tell you. Let's go to the boy's room where no one will disturb us."

"Ok…But I should tell you—," Lex was unable to finish his sentence because Clark was dragging him off to the "boy's room" by his elbow. 

When they reached the bathroom Clark began to pace akwardly back and forth. "Lex," he stammered. "There's something I have to tell you." Then there was a long, long pause. 

"Just say it!" Lex gasped, sounding incredibly exasperated, "God, you're so boring."

"I can't keep it pent up inside any longer." Continued Clark.

"Good! Jesus christ."

"Well I've noticed lately that the sexual tension between us could be cut by a knife…"

"oh my God," muttered Lex. 

"…And at first it made me uncomfortable, you should have seen my range of facial expressions! But then I had a heart to heart discussion with my dad and he said that I should tell you because honesty is the best policy. So what I want to say is that…I'm in love with you. Now wrap me up in your suave arms, you sexy beast!"

"um…what about Lana?" Lex asked, feebly, knowing that there was no hope and feeling trapped. 

"I don't care about Lana! I only love you! But maybe we could have a three-some!"

"No! Oh God no! Look Clark, you're a nice guy …you're very…nice…but you're also incredibly boring! So incredibly boring and there's no way I ever, ever want to be "involved" with you. Ever. So goodbye, I'm going to ride away, suavely, in my shiny car to my mansion now and I don't ever want to see you again."

"I'M SUCH A LOSER!!!!!!!!" Clark yelled after Lex left the room. 

The end, please review…if you value your soul…bwahahah!!!!!


	2. In which lex gouges out mind's eye

__

Later, at home Clark reflects on his disappointment:

"Oh. Why does everyone reject me? Could Lex be right, am I boring?" After thinking about the possibility of him being boring for about 17 minutes Clark walked to the café place where he hangs out. He saw Pete sitting at a table and walked over. 

"Pete," he remarked, "I wasn't expecting to see you here." 

Clark then began to shift uncomfortably from foot to foot for several minutes. Finally Pete said, "Look Clark, if there's somewhere else you'd like to be just go!" In a dash Clark was gone. "Thank God," muttered Pete, who was actually more boring that Clark could ever dream of being but didn't realize it. 

__

Back at the Luther Mansion Lex tries, suavely, in vain to forget about what Clark said:

"OH SWEET JUMPING CHRIST! Why can't I gouge out my mind's eye?" Lex yelled into his mirror. "God, I feel like I've been molested by a creepily honest Boy Scout. I mean, for Christ's sake, he actually said, 'honesty is the best policy.' What the hell is that? I mean, come on!" Just then he tripped over a random electrical cord coming out of the wall. "What?! Is that cord even attached to anything?" He asked, suavely. 


	3. Lex's brain snaps

Lex walked to his shiny car on Monday morning wishing that it could be just a little bit shinier and then it would be the shiniest car in the world and people would probably pay to see it. "Then I'd be rich!" he thought. Then he thought, "Oh wait! I am rich! Hahahah." He continued chuckling on his way to his car but was soon startled by a leafy Clark jumping out of the bushes near his driveway. 

"Hi Lex!" said Clark and was met by a look of shock and dismay on Lex's face. He began to brush the leaves out of his hair and looked at Lex with a stupid grin on his face. 

"Why must you continue to visit me, Clark?" 

"Well, I…ah…"

"You're in love with me?" prompted Lex, hoping to get the conversation over with faster. 

"Yes," said Clark, "You can call me Clarky."

"Why on earth would I call you that?"

"What about Muffin?"

"No!"

"Sweetums?"

"That's remarkable."

"What?" asked Clark, hopefully.

"I didn't think you could suggest something stupider than Muffin but then you went right ahead and said Sweetums. Is there no limit to you're sappiness?"

"No. Wait, yes."

"Good, although I don't know if I believe you."

"Well, I just popped by to see if you wanted to go to the Bronze with me tonight."

"The Bronze? I think you've got the wrong TV show. The Bronze is from _Buffy the Vampire Slayer._ And anyway, I wouldn't go out with you if I were held at gun point."

"Oh so you like it rough?"

"No, Clark, I said I _wouldn't._"

"Oh. Well can I at least buy you a drink?"

"THAT'S IT! I 'm going to _kill _you."

"Oh, so you _do_ like it rough, you filthy liar."

"GET OUT OF MY DRIVE WAY!"

"So should I go wait in your room?"

"I mean it. I'll kill you. Don't think I won't." 

__

"I wouldn't put it past you, you have such strong, manly arms, and those calves!"

Lex suavely pulled out a gun, "You've taken this to far Clark." But before he could pull the trigger Clark was gone. "Damn his speediness," Lex muttered. 


	4. a slapping match is averted

Lex got in his car and drove away, muttering to himself about what an incredible pest Clark was becoming. "Oh, what a pest!" he said. He then leaned a little bit to the side so that he could see his reflection in the side mirror. All of a sudden he felt something land on the top of his car, making it stop abruptly. "Oh dear!" he thought, "What could that be disturbing my pursuit of gazing at my reflection?" He glanced around quickly and then pulled out his small, shiny gun and suavely stepped out of the shiny car. "Who's there?" he asked, "Clark, if it's you, I swear to God I'll hunt you down and _murder _you. I don't care_ how _speedy you are!"

"Who's Clark?" asked a voice that sounded like sand and glue (Bob Dylan/David Bowie reference!). 

Lex looked around some more, "Look, I'm getting very tired of looking around so much so why don't you just show me who you are." 

"Fine!" said the mysterious voice, "You're so pushy." 

Lex looked in that direction and saw a blue anthropomorphic figure step from the bushes. "Hello," said the blue figure, "My name is Wingny and I'm a _super _villain."

"Ohhh no, the only super villain in these parts is me, Lex Luther!"

"No I'm the super villain!"

"No, I am!"

"I am!"

"I AM!!" 

Just as this disagreement was about to turn into a slapping match Clark Kent ran over and put a stop to it by holding on to both parties. He gave Wingny a swift punch, which caused him to go careening away, and he was, for some reason, never seen again. "Lex," Clark began, "You'll always be _my _super villain. Super _sexy_ villain, that is."

Lex, who hadn't set down his gun, pointed it at Clark and said, "Clark, get away from me." Then he shot the gun at Clark, twice, thinking it would solve his problem once and for all. Unfortunately, the bullets bounced off and one hit Lex in the shoulder, giving him a bullet-scrapey cut. 

Clark stepped forward and crushed the gun in one hand and then said, "Does that turn you on?"

"I try to kill you because I obviously want you to die, you stop me, break my favorite concealed weapon and then ask if it turned me on?"

"Well, did it?"

"NO! Get away from me."

"But I'm strong! And sexy!"

"You're not sexy. I'll give you strong but never, never ever sexy." 

Just then, they saw Martha Kent walking up to them carrying a tray, "Boys! I have pink lemonade and Nilla Wafers for you." She yelled. Lex began to walk quickly to his car. "Lex, aren't you going to stay for cookies and lemonade?" she asked.

Lex mentally groaned and then turned back to the waiting Kents. He was about to say something incredibly polite so that the Kents would like him and encourage his friendship with…wait a minute he hates Clark now…so he said, "Mrs. Kent, your hospitality is so charming that it can only be marred by one thing…my deep, deep hatred for your family!" After saying this he felt much better and went to his car and drove away. 


	5. lex is narrowly saved from a fate worse ...

_The next morning Lex Luther awakes to find a strange package near his bed…hmmm…who do you think it's from?_

"What? A package? Who could it be from?" Lex asked groggily while lying in bed, not quite awake yet.

A random servant stepped out from behind a large plant and said, "I believe it is from Clark Kent, sir."

"What are you doing in here?"

"Watching you sleep sir."

"God, that's so creepy. Almost as creepy as…wait! You said the package is from Clark?"

"Yes."

"Thank you. Now please leave my room, you're fired."

As the servant was leaving he shuddered and then turned to the package and shuddered again. "Oh well, I suppose I'd better open it." He tugged at the absurdly large bow and the wrapping paper fell off. "That's TV for you," he muttered. Inside the paper there was a light pink box. He opened the box and found that in the inside there was a bottle of perfume, attached to the neck of the perfume bottle there was a note that said, _'Dear Lex, I stole this perfume from my mom. See, I can be bad just like you!' _

This made Lex want to vomit. "Oh dear Lord!" he exclaimed, "Will this nightmare never end?"

__

And now it's time for a gratuitous nudity scene, you probably won't get this on the TV show. 

Lex suavely walked to his armoire and opened the doors. He pulled off the shirt portion of his sexy black pajamas and put on another shirt. He then proceeded to finish changing out of his pajamas and into some real clothes. 

__

Hahahahah, you thought there'd be sexy nudity, admit it! But I lied and only had him topless for a minute…at this point I'm amusing myself.

Lex was about to leave the room when he heard a scraping noise at his window. He turned around so that he was facing the window in question and soon he saw Clark Kent climbing into his bedroom. He ran over to the window and tried to push Clark out of his house but Clark swiftly knocked him across the room. Lex started to get up while rubbing his shoulder but Clark was very fast and soon had him pinned to the wall. "Thought you could avoid me forever, eh Lex?" asked Clark.

"Not thought, hoped." Lex snappily replied.

"Well you can't!" Clark began to rip at the fabric of Lex's pale silk shirt and it quickly came off.

"You can't do this!" cried Lex. Just at that moment the creepy servant from before sneaked in and hid behind the plant, hoping to witness some action. 

Clark began to scan the room with his x-ray vision while holding Lex firmly to the wall. He didn't want anyone to watch and report him to the police because then his parents would be disappointed in him. After looking around a bit he saw the servant behind the plant, yelled, "Drat!" and departed.

A topless Lex looked around, suavely, to see what could have caused Clark to leave. He noticed the servant, thanked him and asked him to leave saying, "You're still fired."

__


	6. Daredevil arrives, clark makes another a...

After this unfortunate episode Lex sat down on a nearby chair and wondered what could have provoked Clark to try such a bizarre thing, it was so out of character. He thought for several moments and then said, "Oh, of course, it's really understandable that someone's affection for me would lead to insanity, after all, I'm so lovable…and fabulous."

Just then his father, Lionel, walked in, "Hello Lex," he said. "I just came by to tell you that I'm not disappointed in you."

"Oh really. And, Father, what could possibly prompt you to say that? Is it the fact that I'm perfect in every way? Because you haven't commented on that to my satisfaction." 

"Well, actually I just think that if I constantly call you perfect then you'll develop an ego problem, and we wouldn't want that."

"Oh no, Father," Lex said, sarcastically. "Well, I guess I'll just have to rely on myself to call myself perfect, gorgeous, fabulous, suave, rich and sexy. Well," he said after thinking for a moment, "Other people call me rich and _someone _calls me suave, although I can't put my finger on whom." Then he rubbed his head for luck and left the room. Lionel didn't see the head rubbing, as he's blind, but if he had he would have frowned. 

_Later that evening Lex is standing around in the library, aimlessly staring at the wall when a servant comes and announces a young daredevil (Based on the comic book, I haven't seen the movie)_

"Ahem," said a servant, predictably, "Matt Murdock, sir." 

"Why didn't you ask me if you could let him in? Since when are we inviting random people off the street into my house?" 

"Well…"

"You're fired."

"Of course."

The polite, blind teenager stepped into the room and said, "Hello."

"Ohayogozaimasu," Lex said, in Japanese for some reason (it means good morning). "Since you're already here I suppose you should tell me what you want."

"Well actually I don't want anything I was just on a subway and I was studying so hard that I forgot to get off at my stop and I ended up in Smallville. In _Marvel_ comics the cities have _real_ names."

"Marvel comics?"

"::Cough:: nothing." 

"I…see. I'll have one of my shiny helicopters fly you back to wherever you came from." 

"Gee, thanks mister. My dad'll be so worried!"

"_My _father doesn't care about me. In fact as a child I would often read comic books and wish that the characters would adopt me or that anyone would adopt me. The other children always teased me because I was so rich and I never had any friends. But I don't want to bore you with the sad details of my life." 

Matt Murdock was saved from having to respond to this because just then who should appear but Clark Kent. "Oh for the love of God," muttered Lex. 

Matt was sensing more awkwardness coming on and he mentally sighed and cursed his luck for ending up in this imported Scottish castle. 

"Hi Lex!" said Clark, enthusiastically. 

"How can you just show up in my house like this and act like nothing has happened?"

"Well the servant who's usually at the door wasn't there so…"

"That's not the point!"

At this point poor Matt Murdock was trying to casually walk to a secluded corner of the room where he wouldn't have to join in the conversation. But to his dismay Clark asked, "Who is that agile blind person?" 

"Oh, that's ahhh…"

"Matt Murdock," said the person in question.

"Well anyway," Clark began, "I came to see if you would come to my secluded barn with me while my parents are out running errands."

"Clark, that's the most ridiculous thing anyone's ever said to get me alone with them. Way to be sly." 

"Oh," said Clark with a downcast expression on his face. Then he ran over and began to take Lex's clothes off. Lex was beginning to feel very depressed about this when Matt ran over to them and knocked Clark away with his cane, or blind stick as Fafner affectionately refers to it (Fafner is my brother's friend's guitar's name).

"Thanks Matt," Lex said, suavely, "How did you do that?"

"I heard Clarks speedy footsteps going in your direction and his heavy breathing let me know what he was planning even before I heard him ripping off your clothes. I knew his advances were unwelcome because you don't seem to like him."

"Well, thank you but you're still fired."

"I don't work for you."

"Oh right," Lex chuckled, "Just a reflex." 


	7. clark succeeds, but doesn't win lex's he...

The next morning, back at the Kent farmhouse Clark was just sitting down to a wholesome, balanced breakfast when his father walked in with a grim look on his face. "Hi Dad!" Clark said, "What's going on?"

"Well son, your mother told me how Lex said, very rudely, that he hates our family and as I'm deeply prejudiced against the Luthers, I've decided that you're not allowed to see Lex any more. Is that clear?"

"But that's not fair!" Clark whined. 

"It's for your own good, I love you Clark and so does your mother."

"It's true," said Martha, who had just wandered into the kitchen.

"Oh alright," said Clark, out loud but in his mind he was thinking, "Yes…forbidden love, how tragic! Just like Lex's life long search for a father figure." All this talk about Lex Luther made Clark wish he could see Lex right then. "I have an idea!" he said. 

"What was that?" asked his father, who was still there.

"Oh nothing," replied Clark, slyly. He then said, "I have to go," and in a flash he was gone. The next moment he found himself in a tree outside of Lex's room, "Ah, I have a perfect view of his bedroom!" he exclaimed. He looked in the window and saw Lex standing around gazing in the mirror. "I wish I was that mirror," said Clark, "Then he would truly love me." 

_Lex had no idea Clark was creepily watching him from one of the trees at that moment…_

"Hmm…" said Lex, "I think I'll pour myself some brandy." He went over and poured himself a glass and quickly dropped it when a random servant crashed into him. "I'm surrounded by incompetence!" he exclaimed. 

The startled and incompetent servant yelled, "I despise you Lex Luther and I hope your whole family rots in hell! Also, I'd like to kill you!" as he said this he pulled out a gun which was distinctly less shiny than the one that had belonged to Lex before Clark crushed it. He shot it twice but the bullets were intercepted by a speedy Clark Kent. "Oh dash it all!" the servant cried as he departed, never to be seen again.

"Well," said Clark, "I saved your life, how do you like that?"

"Oh yes, very nice. Although I must admit I'm rather flattered."

"Because I saved your life?"

"No, you're Clark Kent; you'd save anything or anybody, given the chance. I'm flattered that that man feels strongly enough about me to want to kill me. I love to inspire passion in people and then not return the favor."

"You inspire passion in me."

"Oh yes, I had forgotten…or maybe I just don't care…hmm, how strange."

"Well, I saved your life," Clark said, trying to get the subject back to where he wanted it, "Don't you think you should return the favor?"

"What? By saving your life? I don't think you need me to."

"No…I had something a little different in mind. Like maybe you could take off your clothes…and dance for me."

Lex was so shocked and disgusted by this suggestion that he wasn't sure if he should laugh, cry, become angry, or meet it with calm indifference. He decided to compromise and so he gave a soft chuckle and fixed Clark with a cold, calculating look. "You're repulsive," he said, suavely and coldly. 

Clark seemed frustrated and annoyed and he rushed to Lex's side and began to undress him while pinning him to the wall. When he was almost finished with the undressing he pushed Lex on to the bed and said, "If you won't dance then I suppose we'll have to find something else to do."

"Clark, you'd think you could be a little more original, this is the third time you've tried to do this in the past two or three days. It's getting ridiculous." Lex was trying to appear unaffected by the whole thing but he wasn't sure if it was working because Clark seemed incredibly confident. He was thinking that there was probably no hope when his father, Lionel, walked in. "Oh my God!" he thought, "This is much worse than letting Clark win!" But then he though, "Wait, my father is blind!" He was feeling very relieved until he remembered that Clark was rather on top of him. Then he began to wonder why his father was in his room and why he wasn't saying anything. As he was thinking this Lionel left…apparently he was thinking the same thing. 

A solid twenty minutes went by after Lex finished thinking all of these things and then Clark was finished and vanished out the window. Lex decided that he wasn't going to let this bother him and went off to fire the servant who had tried to kill him. 


	8. Lex ponders, plots and gets unsolicited ...

After firing the servant Lex felt a little better. "Hmm…" he thought, "Maybe if I drive quickly I'll feel even better." He decided to do this and so he went outside and got into his shiny car and drove away, suavely. After speeding down the highway for several miles he saw a man standing in the middle of the road, "What a moron," Lex thought to himself and swerved into a tree to avoid hitting the man. 

Lex got out of the car and walked over to the partially bald man in the tweed coat and said, "Why were you in the middle of the road in the middle of the night? Look what happened to my car because of you!"

The man responded with the statement, "You're too high strung."

"I honestly don't care what a man in the road thinks about my mental health."

"My name is Dr. Wendambantly and I'm a psychiatrist."

"I see, well if you're a psychiatrist then shouldn't you ask yourself what kind of mental problem would lead someone to recklessly stand in the middle of the road!"

"You're hung up on that 'standing in the middle of the road' thing. Why do you think that is?"

"Well I think it's a pretty important factor in judging your capacity for dealing with mental illness." 

"Lex, I'm only here to help you."

"This conversation is bizarre, I'm leaving."

"You need to address what happened between you and Clark!" yelled the strange doctor as Lex got into his car.

"Go to hell!" yelled Lex as he drove away. 

As he was driving he thought to himself, "Address what happened? Why? I'm fine, what happened earlier today was an unpleasant twenty minutes I'll never get back and nothing more. I think the best thing to do would be to move away from here so I don't have to see Clark every day or worry about him climbing into my bedroom at night. Maybe I'll go to Scotland or something…I could bring the castle back," then he thought, "Wait a minute! I can't move away from Smallville, that would be a terrible plot device! What am I thinking?" He chuckled and continued driving…into the night (ß added for drama). 

After an hour of driving he pulled into a random driveway for some reason. He didn't really care where he went because he was feeling tired and reckless so he parked his shiny, silver car in the long gravel driveway that led to a house he couldn't see because of the night. He sat in the car for awhile staring into the darkness and thinking about Clark. He really wanted to stop dwelling on the person he hated the most and he tried thinking about other things such as ice cream and world domination but none of them worked and he began to feel very depressed. Eventually he fell asleep and dreamt, unfortunately but not unexpectedly, about Clark. In his dream he was reliving the events of that morning and he awoke with a start when it got to his least favorite part, his favorite being when he fired the servant with a close second being when the servant tried to kill him. I'm sure you can figure out his least favorite part, it's pretty obvious. 

Anyway, when he woke up he heard a prowling noise in the bushes surrounding the driveway. Just then a man burst out of the bushes and yelled, "AH HAH!" 

"Jesus Christ!" exclaimed Lex when he saw the shadowy figure. 

"Who's there?" asked the unidentified man.

"It's Lex, Lex Luther," said the person in question.

The figure stepped into the light of the headlights and Lex was surprised to see that he was Jonathan Kent. "Mr. Kent," said Lex, "What are you doing out here prowling around with a gun?"

"Well, you're parked on my driveway. Martha heard a car pull up and wanted me to see if it was an intruder."

"It took you this long to get out here after hearing me pull up? I've been out here for hours, that's pretty sad."

"That's it! I left you alone before because you were Clark's friend but after what you said to my wife I'm not so kindly disposed towards you so I'm going to kill you with my rifle!" Jonathan's gun wasn't nearly as shiny as Lex's.

"Dad!" yelled Clark as he jumped out of the bushes, "Have you found the intruder?" After saying this he noticed that his father was pointing a gun at Lex Luther who was standing with his back to the car, eyeing the rifle cautiously. He could tell that Lex was trying to appear bored and unconcerned, he recognized the expression. "Oh it's Lex. Lex what were you doing at our house?" 

"I had no idea that it was yours." Lex was thinking what the bizarre psychiatrist would say about this. 

"Oh. Well, Dad, maybe we should just let him go. He's not going to hurt anyone."

"Of course he will, he's a _Luther_."

"Just because you're wildly prejudiced against my family is no reason to kill me." 

"Yeah," said Clark, "Dad, you just go inside and I'll make sure he leaves."

"Alright, but only because you have special…powers…of persuasion."

After Mr. Kent was out of sight Clark turned to Lex and said, "So…we're alone, it's late at night…what should we do in this situation?" 

Lex was really not looking forward to what was coming next and he tried to get in his car and drive away but Clark was too fast and quickly over took Lex. You can imagine what happened next because we know how strong Clark is and what he wanted to do to Lex, once again, it's pretty obvious. 

As I'm sure you can imagine, this was pretty traumatizing for Lex. He didn't know what to do; he couldn't move away because of the plot device thing and he really didn't want to stay because he hated Clark so much. He began to think of some possible solutions and was really having a hard time coming up with something but then he thought, "Wait, I'm wealthy, powerful, very possibly evil, and I want revenge and to show Clark exactly why it's not a good idea to get on my bad side! That's four resources at my disposal, there's nothing I can't do!" Lex then began to think of ways to get around Clark's incredible strength but soon realized that it didn't matter because he had more money. He drove home in his shiny car, when he got back to the Luther Mansion he was so excited that he forgot to park his car and it rolled into a ravine. 

As soon as he got inside he rushed to the nearest telephone and began to pull some strings to cause Clark and everyone around him some problems. 

He chuckled, "This will teach him a lesson he won't soon forget." 


	9. lex begins his revenge and reveals that ...

After making the phone calls Lex decided to go to the Talon and take care of a part of his plan there. He went out to the garage and noticed that he couldn't take his shiny silver car because it was currently smashed in a ravine within rolling distance of his house. He sighed and decided to take his shiny red one instead. 

Lex parked suavely in front of the café and walked inside. He saw Clark standing by a table talking to Pete and they were both looking enthusiastic. Lex walked past their table and ignored Clark when he exclaimed, "Lex!" and waved excitedly. 

"All part of my plan," Lex said, under his breath as he walked away.

"What was that?" asked Lana, who happened to be standing right behind him and had very sharp hearing.

"Oh, Lana," Lex began, ignoring her question suavely, "Just the person I wanted to see."

"Really?" said Lana, dimpling a curious smile. 

"Yes, I was wondering if you wanted to go for a drive tonight and have dinner with me?" As he said this he glanced over at Clark, whom he knew was listening in.

Lana's smiley frown became even more puzzled and she said, "Why Lex, I didn't think you liked me that way."

"Oh," Lex lied, "I do."

"Well…alright. Where are we going?"

"As I said before, we'll go for a drive in one of my shiny cars and then I was thinking we would go to El Pescado Agrio for dinner and then," he glanced over at Clark again and said loudly, "We'll go back to the Luther Mansion and see what develops." 

"You didn't have to say that so loudly, I'm standing right here."

"I know," as he said this he fell over, less suavely than he would have liked. "Why did I fall over?" he silently wondered, then he noticed that it was because Chloe had thrown several small marbles on the floor in front of him. "Chloe, why did you do that?" he asked.

"Because, Clark told me all about how you made the price of corn plummet so that his family would make less money than they used to. You do realize that you're hurting other people than just the Kents with this, don't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, how could one person cause the price of grain to go down? You're just being silly and Clark is being paranoid and childish." Actually he knew exactly how one person could do it because Chloe was telling the truth and it was part of his plan but he, of course, couldn't let her know that so early in the game.

"Oh really? Well I don't know how you did it but I'll get to the bottom of this and then I'll report it in the school newspaper!"

"Oh! The school newspaper! Whatever will I do? Dear God, I'll be ruined!"

"Very funny, _Mr. Luther,_ but I'll get you. I always stick up for my friends!"

"Charming."

__

That night Lex picks up Lana in his shiny black car.

"Lana you're looking delightful."

"Thank you," she smiled.

'Sweet Jesus,' thought Lex, 'Why won't she abandon that one smiley-frown-puzzled look she's always got on? I've got to get to a mirror, I haven't admired my reflection in over and hour! Don't panic Lex, don't panic.' 

When they got to El Pescado Agrio he noticed a familiar red pickup truck parked in the street outside the restaurant. "Ah, I'm brilliant," Lex whispered inaudibly. 

After they had ordered Lex glanced over at Clark for about the twenty-eighth time that evening. Then he said quietly, "Kiss me Lana." 

"Ok, but you're acting awfully strange," she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek and he, thinking this was dumb, turned his head so their lips were touching. As they kissed his eyes wandered over in Clark's direction and he was delighted to see that he looked insanely jealous. Then Lex decided to do something impulsive, he grabbed Lana's hand and dragged her out to the shiny car and they drove to the Luther Mansion. He knew that Clark was following in his ridiculous pickup, partly because of intuition and partly because he had looked in the rearview mirror. It was probably the first time he had used a mirror for anything but staring at himself. 

When they got inside he began to kiss Lana some more, purely because he knew Clark was at the window, he really didn't like the girl. 

"Lex, stop!" she said, "I think you had the wrong idea about this evening."

"Actually, I think that if either of us had the wrong idea it was you; I made it pretty clear what I was going for but I'll get chauffeur to take you home."

After she was gone Lex felt sort of relived but that feeling soon evaporated when he saw Clark burst in, "Lex! Why are you doing all these things to me?"

"Why? I think it's pretty obvious why!"

"Oh really?! Well, I'm leaving."

"GOOD!" As Clark stepped out of the house a thunder storm erupted over their heads, "That's right!" yelled Lex, "I also control the weather!"

  



	10. Lex enlists the help of matt murdock

After Clark and Lana left Lex felt much better. He could tell that his plan was working but he was still a little bit worried that Clark would try something before the scheme was complete. Lex knew that when he was finished Clark would be terrified to come near him but until that time he wasn't sure what to do. He sat at the desk in his office for awhile, thinking and eventually it came to him. He remembered that delightfully polite blind teenager…what was his name…ah yes, Matt Murdock. "Hmm…" thought Lex, "I'll send him a letter persuading him to be my assistant and then he can protect me from Clark, should the need arise. I could offer him lots of money to send home to his father, that would be sure to get him. He's devoted to his father…remarkable." Lex felt even better after this stroke of genius and he went off to find someone to send Matt Murdock the message. 

_Later that week a confused, hopeful Matt Murdock arrives on the steps of Luther Mansion. _

Lex saw the car pull up and waited a few minutes before going down to meet Matt. After he decided that the teenager had waited long enough he went down the long staircase to the entryway and said, "Ah, Matt Murdock, thank you for coming. I was so in need of an assistant and I remembered how honest and hard working you seemed when we met before so I decided to hire you," naturally Lex left out the part about needing protection from Clark. 

"Oh, well I'm just glad to help," said Matt, "And my father really needed the money, although he has been winning more fights and they say he's really making a comeback…for some reason…I wish I could be a boxer like my dad."

"I wish my father loved me."

"Oh. Umm, yes." This was followed by a long pause. Matt broke the silence by saying, "So, what would you like me to do for starters?"

"Oh!" Lex was surprised, he had forgotten that he'd actually have to give Matt work to make it seem like he was a real assistant, "Well, why don't you go unpack. I'll have someone show you to your room and tell you what time meals are and so on and then I'll have someone else bring up your things." 

* * *

When Matt got to his room he was very surprised, "Holy Hasselhoff!" he exclaimed, "This room is almost the size of my apartment back home!" 

"Yes…" said the servant, in a voice that was strangely reminiscent of Riff Raff. 

_Later that night Clark sits around in his barn staring through the telescope into Lana's bedroom…come on, think how creepy that is._

"Oh Lana," Clark murmured, "How could you kiss Lex? I'm in love with you." Then he murmured, "Oh Lex, how could you go out with Lana you know I'm in love with her and you went ahead and broke the code!"

_At the same time Lex is sitting in his office gazing at a screen and watching Clark's conversation with himself, you see, he installed cameras in the barn in order to monitor Clark and always be one step ahead. _

Lex chuckled, suavely, gazing up at the screen. He was thinking what a complete moron Clark was when a servant walked in and said, "Mr. Luther there's a disturbance in Quadrant T4."

"What are you talking about?" asked Lex.

"I don't know, sir," replied the servant.

"You're fired." The servant left, leaving Lex mildly curious but overall not really interested or concerned.


	11. matt helps out and reads some comic book...

The next morning Lex wandered into the library and found Matt Murdock sitting in a chair reading some comic books. "Matt," said Lex, "I thought you were blind."

"Oh I am, I can read by feeling the ink."

"Oh, that's fantastic."

"Yes!"

"Well, I have to go take care of some business."

"Ok, I'll just stay here and—," Matt was interrupted by Clark bursting into the room."

"Lex! I came as quickly as I could!" said the absurd teenager.

"I didn't ask you to," Lex reminded him.

"I didn't say you did."

"Oh, of course. Well, is there something you want?"

"Yes," began Clark but he was unable to finish because Matt started beating him with his cane. "Why are you doing this?!" asked Clark. He got no answer and was soon forced out of the room by Matt's outstanding fighting abilities.

"That was great Matt," said Lex when Clark was gone. "How did you know he needed to go?"

"Well, I could tell you wanted him to leave by your breathing patterns and I also just don't like him."

"Well, thank you. Hey, this reminds me of the time when I told you that you were still fired even though you didn't work for me."

"Yes."

"You work for me now…"

"Oh, um, yes."

Lex chuckled, "Don't worry I'm not firing you." Matt felt relieved. "Oh, Matt," began Lex, "Feel free to 'dismiss' Clark whenever you sense him near me."

"Ok," said Matt, beginning to figure out why he was hired. 


	12. some random stuff happens, including a m...

After that amusing encounter Lex went to his study, feeling much better about everything. 'Soon Clark will hate me!' he thought to himself. 'Ah, that will be a happy day…a happy day.' He continued to sit, suavely, at his desk with the slightest shadow of a smile on his lips (a/n wasn't that a very _serious _sentence). Lex was sitting very still and after awhile, for no particular reason, he began to hallucinate…

****

MAGICAL TRIPPY HALLUCINATION SEQUENCE!!!

SWIRLING COLORS, GENE WILDER CREEPILY SINGING THAT SONG FROM WILLY WONKA, A RABBIT WITH A FEZ, ALICE FROM ALICE IN WONDERLAND DANCING AND HUMMING THE DR. WHO THEME SONG, A STRANGE MAN IN A FEDORA TAKING PICTURES WITH A CAMERA SHAPED LIKE A LITTLE LEPRECHAUN.

Ok, that's enough. Lex stopped hallucinating after 7.68 minutes after he finished he walked over to the mirror and said, "After seeing all those bizarre sights I need to stare at myself for awhile, in order to calm down." He stared at himself for 19.34 minutes but was interrupted when a tall young man with dark, slightly curling hair that hung in his eyes burst into the room. "And who are you?" asked Lex, making a mental note to fire the servant who let him in. 

"I'm Lord Xaphre Hollensborough and I need help, something terrible has happened." (a/n for more about Xaphre read my story, "Xaphre Hollensborough sorts things" at fiction press under the pen name Ewan McTeagle). 

Sigh, "What is it and why did you come to me for help?"

"I can't tell you and I don't know."

"How don't you know?" 

"It's a mystery."

"Please leave."

"I can't, I was told to come here by the ghost of my friend Alfonsè." 

"That's moronic," said Lex as he discreetly pressed the button to summon a servant. When the servant finally got there he said, "Please get Mr. Murdock, I'd like Lord Hollensborough to meet him. By the by, were you the one who let this _nice_ young man in?" 

"Yes sir"

"Oh, you're _so _fired." 

The servant sighed and took his leave. Five minutes of awkward silence ensued before Matt walked in, "Hi Mr. Luther, the man said you wanted me to meet someone. He seemed rather put out."

"Well, yes, I had just fired him."

"Oh…so this is who you wanted me to meet."

"Not so much meet as evict." Matt quickly got rid of Xaphre and he and Lex went to go find tea.


	13. clark learns a valuable lesson, matt spe...

After tea—which was rather delightful, it was sugar plum fairy flavored—Matt went off to read about pirates and Lex went to make some phone calls. While Lex was on the phone with Mr. Schlaebel from Detroit he got a message from his secretary saying that a Mr. Clank Bent was on his way up to the office. 

"Can I call you back Mr. Schlaebel?" he asked and without waiting for an answer, hung up. Then he said into the intercom, "Jennifer, tell _Clank_ to wait five minutes and then tell Mr. Murdock to come to my office immediately."

"Alright Mr. Luther," she said.

When Matt walked into Lex's office Lex told him to wait in the closet and come out and get rid of Clark when he gave the signal. "What's the signal Mr. Luther?" Matt asked.

"Oh, I'll say 'unicorn.'" 

Just as the closet door shut on Matt, Clark stepped into the room. He said, "Surprise!"

"Oh!" said Lex, sarcastically, "It's you. I was _so_ fooled by your ingenious pseudonym."

"I came to tell you that the Talon has closed, that's terrible isn't it."

"Terrible…yes…" Lex smiled, "It's really to bad it had to be closed, but, you know, people can't just ignore building code violations."

"There were no building code violations."

"Oh did I say building code violations? I meant bribes. People can't ignore bribes." 

"You mean you're behind it all?"

"I didn't say _I_ bribed the proper officials."

"Oh. You didn't then?"

"Oh no, I did. You see Clark, you need to learn a valuable lesson."

"And what's that?"

"Don't get on my bad side. Actually, I'm surprised you hadn't figured out that that was the lesson by now, I mean, it seems pretty obvious to me. But then, you never were very _smart_." 

"Oh really..."

"Yes. Now, I'd like you to please leave before I call the police. They are, after all, on my side." 

"Oh you!" said Clark, angrily and bizarrely shaking his fist. 

Lex wasn't at all moved by the fist shaking and was only glad that Clark had left. He went off to get some more paperwork done.

***

The next morning Lex walked into his office and heard the sound of someone singing coming from his closet. He went over to investigate and saw that it was Matt Murdock. "Matt!" he said, "Why didn't you leave the closet?"

"I never heard the signal."

"Oh come on! You're a pretty intelligent guy but that's got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 


	14. clark and lana basically call lex a whor...

_Six hours before the "closet incident" Clark Kent was just waking up._

"Rise and shine, Clark!" he said to himself, "Time to start another day!" He got dressed and went outside to do his chores around the farm. When he was finished he went inside and ate an obscenely large breakfast. After this he ran to the bus stop, feeling the wind in his hair. 

When he got to school he saw Lana standing near a locker, looking very sweet, and he walked over to her with a smile. "Lana!" he said, "How's it going?" All of a sudden he got a look of deep concentration on his face and slammed into a locker, writhing about. "Oh…" he forced out, "You're…wearing your…necklace." 

Just then Lex stepped out from behind something, "Think again Clark." He held up a meteor rock and Clark grimaced unconvincingly. "Yes, that's right, I'm the one with the meteor rock in my hand." After saying this he walked away, got in to his car and drove away. 

"That was weird." Said Lana, "What was he talking about?"

"Oh heh heh heh…" answered Clark, obviously trying to make up a lie, "That's just a game we play…yes."

"Oh, ok." Lana skipped away. Then she walked back over, looking more serious, "Clark, there's something we need to talk about."

"Yes? I'll discuss anything with you Lana, anything." 

"Ok, well, have you noticed that Lex has been acting strangely lately? I mean, he asked me out on a date and then it seemed like all he wanted was…well, you know."

"Oh you slut! I'm so jealous!"

"What!?"

"Nothing, go on."

"Ok. Do you know what could be going on?"

"No, I mean Lex has always been kind of promiscuous and I know that there are lots of girls, and _maybe,_" Clark was crossing his fingers, "Guys in Metropolis who could back me up on that. Who knows, maybe he left those habits behind when he came to Smallville but now he's gotten homesick for his old ways."

"You could be right, you could be right." 


	15. lex is charmingly inept in the kitchen

The next morning Lex woke up and said to himself, "I have a new stratagem! I'll pretend to be friends with Clark again and then when he least expects it I'll betray him and he'll be so hurt!" He looked at the clock. "Dear lord, it's so early!" It was early, so early, in fact, that Clark hadn't even gone to school yet and was on his way to Lex's house at that moment. 

Lex was just on his way to another room when Clark burst in, "Lex! It's been so long since I last saw you!" 

"Yeah. Yesterday. Listen Clark, I know you _really _like me but I was thinking maybe we could be just friends, that way I wouldn't try to ruin your life and you wouldn't try to…ah…you know." 

Clark was thinking that this way he could slowly seduce Lex with friendship so he said, "Sure Lex. That'd be great." 

"Excellent! I'll make some breakfast. Do you like eggs?" Lex walked towards the kitchen.

"Lex Luthor, making eggs," Clark chuckled. 

"Hey! I can make eggs." 

A/N are you happy? I added the mandatory 'isn't that cute? The rich kid's trying to cook' scene


	16. lex becomes a vegetarian when confronted...

After the eggs Clark asked Lex if he would like to come over for dinner that night. 

Lex said, "Are you sure that would be ok with your parents? They seemed a little mad at me, I mean, your dad tried to kill me."

"He didn't _try _to." 

"He intended to."

"Fair enough, but you leave the parents to me and just come over at six."

"Ok." Lex gave him an incredulous look, "You'd better get to school." After Clark left Lex sat down and began to think about what he had done. 'I'm 'friends' with Clark again,' he thought. 'This is just _perfect,_ I thought I was done with trying not to offend his Midwestern farmer values but now I have to start all over again, earning the Kent's trust.' He sat for a little while, pondering. Then he thought, 'But what would I be if I couldn't do absolutely _anything_ for the sake of revenge? Not a Luthor, that's for sure.' He went off to get some work done. 

Later that day Lex set out for the Kent residence. As he was driving he noticed a strange man in the road. The man was waving his arms urgently so Lex pulled over. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"I need a mongoose!" yelled the man.

Lex didn't even bother to respond, he just turned around, got in the car and drove away.

When he arrived at the Kent's he was greeted by Martha's awkward politeness, Jonathan's persistent scowling and Clark's cheerfulness that seemed to be trying to show that there was nothing wrong.

'Wow,' thought Lex, 'If the people in my family were this bad at acting natural when there was something wrong…we wouldn't be the Luthors. Well, I guess they're just used to talking out their problems.'

Just as Lex finished thinking this Martha said, "Well, it seems like there's some thing wrong that we need to talk about."

'Well, there go my hopes for not having to talk to them during dinner,' Lex thought disappointedly. Then he said out loud, "Yes, Mrs. Kent, I agree."

They all sat down around the dining room table and Mrs. Kent put some form of meat and gravy on the table. "What's that?" asked Lex and then added, "It looks delicious."

"Haven't you ever had pot roast?" asked Martha.

"I've never even seen pot roast. I'm a vegetarian."

"Oh really? I didn't know that."

Well, now he was, after seeing "pot roast." 

"Yes, It's true."

"So our food isn't good enough for _Lex Luthor?_" asked Jonathan.

Lex wanted to say that that was exactly it but instead, for the sake of the plan, he said, "I've been a vegetarian so long that if I ate meat I would vomit. I can't break down the proteins."

"Dad, leave him alone," said Clark, who hadn't spoken up until then because he was too busy staring at Lex.

"Clark, why did you invite him?" asked Jonathan angrily.

"Don't bother," said Lex, doing his best to look hurt. "I'll just leave."

"No Lex, stay," pleaded Martha, politely. 

Clark broke his Lex induced trance long enough to say, "Yes, stay."

"It's ok Clark, I have work to do any way. Thank you for dinner Mrs. Kent. Mr. Kent." 


	17. yet another person in the road

Lex drove home, thinking about the events of the night, 'Those were _some _events,' he thought. 'I can't believe how bad the Kents are at acting like there's no awkwardness, it's terrible.' 

All of a sudden he saw a strange young woman standing on the side of the road next to the smoldering remains of a car. He pulled over, thinking that there were way too many people standing by the side of the road that day. "What do you want?" he asked.

"I think it's pretty obvious," replied the stranded party. 

"A ride? A new car? What?"

"Don't mock me, my car just exploded."

"I wasn't mocking."

"A new car? Come on."

"I'd buy you a new car."

"Waaait a minute, you're Lex Luthor, aren't you?"

"No. Well, yes."

"You fiend! You destroyed my family!"

"I did?"

"Well not so much you as your father but same thing."

"It is not!"

"You're a Luthor, how could you _not_ destroy someone's family?"

Lex went to his car and drove away, muttering to himself, 'this is getting ridiculous.' 


	18. the stereotypical science prodigy

When he reached his fabulous mansion Lex walked inside of it, thinking it was silly to just stand around in the yard. When he got indoors he walked into a very strange room. "That's funny," quoth he, "I don't think I've ever seen this room before." He walked around, admiring the delightful woodwork. "Oh this woodwork is delightful." He said. 

Just then a ghost appeared, saying, "Ohhhhhh!"

"Wha…!?" asked Lex. Then he noticed that it wasn't a ghost at all. It was just a hologram. The reason he was able to figure this out was that a seemingly normal teen-age boy holding a projector stepped out from behind a box. 

"Ha Ha!" said the teenager, "I bet you don't know who I am."

"Actually," replied Lex, "You're John Steveson, the science prodigy who's been pushed too hard by his demanding parents and never accepted by his peers. People have been talking about you all day."

"Oh man! I guess I'll just go then."

"Yes, that would be good." 


	19. lex is offended by clarks wildly justifi...

After John Steveson left, Lex left the mysterious room and wandered down the hall. Soon he came to another door, as the hall was lined with them. He walked into the room behind the door and was startled to find a small dog. "What's a small dog doing here?" he asked. 

"Why don't you ask yourself that question?" Clark said, stepping out from behind an extraordinarily tall chair. 

"Clark, what are you doing here?" asked Lex.

"I think you know the answer to that question," Clark replied.

"No…I don't"

"That's not what your dad said."

"What did he say?" 

"He said that you don't really want to be my friend and that you're just pretending to like me so that you can hurt my feelings later…"

Lex was about to reply but then he discovered that Clark wasn't finished.

"…He also said that you're emotionally incapable of loving anyone and that your paranoia will drive anyone away."

"Did he? Well, Clark," Lex glanced down at his feet quickly, to give the impression that he was offended and struggling for words, "I'm surprised that you could be so easily swayed by someone who does nothing but try to drive my friends away. I thought that our friendship meant more than that."

"You're right, I'm sorry," said Clark, sheepishly. "Oh! Gee whiz! Look at the time! I've got to get home and do chores."

"Ok." After Clark was gone Lex laughed and thought, 'What a moron.'


End file.
